Are You Wandering?

Me too! I am at one of those pivotal moments. Those moments where you know something is about to happen. You are not sure what it is or when it will happen, but it's coming. These events usually occur from the build up of energy and activity that has been taking place in your life. There are all these small things leading up to one big Bang! You may or may not be in tune with the energy, if you are you are probably anxious, excited, nervous and maybe even impatient.

Some people would refer to this as being lost. I don't like to see it as being lost, I know where I am, I am just searching for where I need/should/want to be. J.R.R. Tolkien also agrees with my theory, saying "Not all those who wander are lost". My wandering began in 2018. I just started to unravel. I lost all confidence in myself, I felt like for every step I took forward I was taking 30 backwards. I was in the place in my career I wanted to be, but just didn't fit in with the organization. My family was stressed, I was stressed. I went from being fully engaged in my life living through the motions. So I gave a 3 month notice to my employer and walked away from the career, independence and financial stability I wanted to try and get back the girl I used to be. I focused on the house, coaching volleyball and just being present.

It has been almost two years since my last day. There are days were I feel like I am closer to myself then I have been in a long time but there are many days were I feel like part of me is missing. There are days that I am grateful for the last 2 years. It has allowed me to spend more time with Alyssa, who will live for college in another year. This is time I would otherwise not have had if I did not walk away. There are days I want to cry, because I can't figure out where I fit in. There are days that I know I have achieve so much in the last two years, I have learned knew things and tried knew things. Those days are followed by days that I know I am not living to my fullest potential.

All these little things taking place, and knowing the bang is about to happen, you start to question all of your decisions over this period of wandering. Like the fact you turned down a really good job where you wanted to live, because it would interrupt everyone's life. You truly know turning down that job was the right thing to do (there were lots of great things that came out of saying no to that job). But now, the world has thrown you a curve ball, your kid's school closes permanently. Not only does she need to find a new school for her Senior year, you also lose one thing you gained when you made your big change, your volleyball coaching gig. And you know your kid wants to live where you want to live, which means you now have to make a decision about moving and try to find another job in the same place you turned a job down 6 months ago. Irony at it's finest.

I once read that after walking away from your career to refocus, it will take you about 2 years to get to the place you need to be. I don't doubt that at all after having been through this. Sometimes you have to lose sight of things to recognize what is right for you. And you can't truly take a break and refocus your life in a month or two. All good things come with time and don't happen overnight. So even though I am wandering right now, and a little stressed doing so, I know the stars are aligning. I know that moment is coming forward where things will change quickly, all I can do is fasten my seat belt and enjoy the ride!