Assuming Good Intention

As I mentioned in my blog from June 17, 2020, the one about not focusing on being perfect but continuous improvement instead, yeah that one, I have been enjoying TikTok. Everyday this week I made a goal to post one TikTok a day. I did something different everyday so I could learn something new about the platform every time I used it. Any who, I was scrolling through my #fyp (for you page) and the accounts I follow when I realized their are a lot of people who assume the worse, in a person, in their actions, in the things they say or write or their lack of saying anything at all. It is in the comments people post, the videos they make. It is everywhere. So I felt today was a good day to talk about it.

There are malicious people in this world, but a good majority of us have no malicious intention. Another words, what we are doing, sharing, saying or not saying is not meant to harm or do wrong to anyone. However, with all that is taking place in this world right now it is easy for everyone's emotions, anger and frustration to take over.

I did this to my own mother the other day. I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post she shared. I lost my shit. I texted her told her exactly how felt and laid into her. My intentions were not malicious and neither were hers with her post, but I didn't handle it the way I should have. What I should have done was:

Stop, Breathe and Adjust

If you were like me, as a kid I was told if I get that angry I need to walk away and collect myself. So instead of me grabbing my phone and angry texting my mom I should have stopped, taken a breathe (or 20) and adjusted. Adjusting is refocusing your reaction from a place of ill intent to a place of good intent.

Ask Questions

Start with yourself:

Why is this upsetting to me?

Do I think this was malicious or ill intended?

Am I miss understanding this?

If it were me, how would I want someone to address me with their concerns?

Once you have the knowledge on yourself, write down what you want to articulate to them including questions you have for them.

Why did you [insert what they did]?

This is how that made me feel. Did you consider that others may feel the same way?

Can I share with you my understanding of [insert topic].

Once you have put together your approach, reach out to the person. And I don't care how you reach out to them, text message, phone call, private message. What I ask is you know your audience and know your best communication style. If you are awful with written communication call. If the person you need to speak to is more receptive to a text message, text them. But make sure however you communicate, you do it clearly with an appropriate tone.

With social media and the ability to create connections anywhere in the world, you don't always know your audience. And I find we really don't know or have been taught the best approach for managing situations like this. If there is a way to communicate with them privately, to get to know them better and discuss their intentions, go for it. If this is not possible or you are not comfortable with this ask yourself if this is someone you want to invest your time and energy in getting to know. It is really no different than any other relationship we have in our lives. There are plenty of people we have met in person, have built a relationship with and have moved on from because we grew apart or we learned quickly we had nothing in common. So maybe the right answer is to stop following them. Maybe the right answer is to just keep scrolling.

In this case I did know my audience, and it would have been better if I picked up the phone and had a conversation with her. You know why?

Educate Yourself & Others

If I had called, my argument would have not been one sided. Instead we could have had a conversation and educated each other on where we were both coming from. When we are upset and angry, it is because we don't understand. The only way to create understanding is to educate. The only way to become educated is to learn from ourselves and others.

Remember, We are Not Always Going to Agree

There are times when we just will not see eye to eye with someone, and you know what that is okay. It is even more okay if we take the time out of our days to have a conversation with each other, garner mutual respect for our differences and educate ourselves. In my case, it appears my mom agreed with me (she did apologize and deleted her post), but what if she hadn't? I really don't know the answer. Sometimes when we disagree with others we can move on from it. But there will be times in your life, even when you try like hell and do everything in your power to be okay with it, you won't be. That is okay too. You will establish new parameters for that relationship, that may even dissolve it. But you ended it at least understanding your differences.

One last thing, for those of you who get upset with those of us who don't always publicly share how we feel about things, or offer our support don't assume we are avoiding, or we are deflecting. Instead of assuming the worse (ill intent) consider that some of us are introverts and are never comfortable putting ourselves out there like that. The energy for an introvert comes from privacy, just because we are on social media doesn't mean we will always have something to say. Or maybe, they are a thinker. Thinkers are the best because they know they need to ponder and educate themselves before sharing their opinions. They are not as quick to react and we should appreciate that. Or maybe, this person just really isn't sure and could use a friend to talk to. So pick up the phone and have a conversation with them. Help them out.

Amazing things come out from us when we assume good intent. So why not make it a habit!

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Disclaimer: If someone does have malicious intent towards and you feel threatened please notify the appropriate authorities.